A letter to an old friend.

Dear friend,

I miss you. I miss the times we had heart-to-heart-talks, made stupid jokes and laughed at ourselves and other people.

I miss those time we just hanged around at school with your guitar and sang songs like some buskers. I miss those times when you introduced me to new songs that you knew I would like. You'd play them with your guitar, and when I wanted you to teach me how to play, you'd say no with that irritating smirk on your face. I would hit you or get annoyed for awhile, but then I would still stay there and listen anyway.

I miss reading your crappy handwriting--no offense, your handwriting is really crappy, you must admit that ;).
I miss teasing you with all those girls and the way you act cool in front of them. And believe it or not, I miss having you tease me with all those stupid nicknames you made.

I miss being your classmate. I miss having you in my group during those projects, even though I would end up scolding you for not doing anything right (I'm a D when I'm stressed, sorry about those times.)

I miss watching you play sports, and even though you kept teasing me for being so clumsy, and I never really cared about your sportiness, you often came to my mind when I watched people playing sports.

I regret not having taken any photos with you. I had loads with other people, but not even one with you. I wished we had taken at least one.

I miss talking at the phone with you. We would talk and talk about all the random things that popped in our minds, and there would be a few silences when we were thinking about the next random thing to be talked about, but those silences are never awkward. Well, maybe they were, but I didn't care back then. I don't think I even knew what "awkward" was, back then.

Now that it's been almost a year since the last time I saw you, and I'm far more familiar with the word "awkward", I really wish I could tell you in your face, that I miss you. I miss having you around, having a friend who has known me for so freaking long, that I can just be who I am.

The word "awkward" is just so stupid. It makes things change. It makes me feel so distant from people. From you. I have these doubts and second thoughts when I wanted to say certain things, because I fear the awkwardness would become even more intense. Or perhaps it's not the word, but it's just me. It's me, being ever so insecure and scared. Funny how as I grew up, I'm becoming more and more insecure and doubtful, scared of this and that. I'd always thought that growing up will make you more confident and carefree.

But who am I kidding, huh. Look at us now. Things are so awkward and urrrrrrrrrgh I have these lumps in my throat, like I have something to say but I just can't get the words out of my mouth. I'm too scared that you'll say something that I don't want to hear, and poof, there goes our friendship.

I know instead of writing it down here, I should've told you directly. But I'm scared. I promise I would talk more about this when we meet. If we ever meet again.

And I use English to say it. Oh my, you must be thinking how snobbish and silly I sound. I'm sorry. But I don't know how to say it, and English seems to be a… good enough way to express it.

If you read this, I hope you'd do something as well. Write back to me? I don't know.

loads of love.