What does the word even mean? It's so abstract and uncertain and yet everyone is looking for it. Find your passion in life, people keep saying. It's the thing that you love, the thing worth sacrificing, the thing that keeps you awake, that drives you, blah blah blah.


Some people are (VERY) lucky to have discovered their passions early. They have figured out what they want to do with their lives. But unfortunately, not me.

And the fegging modern society is expecting people to discover their passion at such young age, expecting them to study the course/major on something that they truly madly deeply passionate about. At the age of seventeen/eighteen/nineteen, you're expected to determine how you want to live the next twenty/thirty/forty years of your lives.

Easy-peasy, huh.

Wake me up when December comes?

Cus that's when my holiday begins, and I have seven months of freedom. The thought of December keeps me alive. Oh, the things I would do. It makes me smile to myself (Yes, I am smiling as I write this.)


As the saying(s) go,

"no pain, no gain"
"to get to the highs, there will always be lows"
"life is full of ups and downs"

et cetera, et cetera. (OH how I love the sound of this word. et cetera. it sounds so classy. "etc" just downgrades the word like ten levels lower.)

I digress. Pardon me.

So now I'm in the stage of "pain" a.k.a. "lows" a.k.a. "downs." And it is really draining that I just... can't describe it. Preliminary exams, A'levels, University applications, SAT Subject Tests, they're all just... BAMM, coming right to my face at the same time.

And look at me now. I'm blogging. Clearly the stress has reached the "PRO" level. PROcrastination.

Now I'm so drained yet so bloated because of my late dinner (supper?) that I can't sleep. Yay.


I shall stop whining and focus on December instead. The word "yay" wouldn't sound sarcastic anymore by then!

Hang in there, self. You can do this. Oh, I mean I can do this. I CAN.

Things I'm Grateful For (Day 9-14)

Uh oh. I can see that I'm starting to write on the project less frequently. Not gonna make any excuses. Nope. So here goes the list.

One senior of mine who's making soooooo much money from his job. He came to visit us his lowly juniors, and he helped cheered us up with his stories. And he helped me with my physics and chem too. Twas great seeing you!

My three classmates, for bringing me to cycle! Just as a background information, I've been staying in this place, where I have an entire East Coast Park as my "backyard" for these two years. Coast, with the sea, yeah. I have jogged along the park, had BBQ, ate at the restaurant, and shot a video there, but I haven't cycled. (Well I had cycled there before, but not when I'm staying at this place). I KNOW HOW DEPRIVED I AM. And last friday, I FINALLY CYCLED! The tyre went flat, and my buttocks hurt after that, but I had fun. Lots of fun. Thank you.

My other classmate who helped me with my online assessment. I was so frustrated, I thought I was gonna cry. But you helped me and I have no idea how to describe my gratitude! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I hope you do well for these exams. I sincerely hope so.

My awesome church. I feel like it's a haven. A safe, quiet, peaceful place where I can just sit and stare into the ceiling, and really talking to God, because I know He's there. It takes me one hour-ish to go there, but I don't care. Who cares about the distance when you get peace and solace after you go there? And the homilies. I have never really paid attention to the sermons before I came there. I'm really thankful for the friars, and all the nice strangers I've met when I went there.

The cell group people, and the food they brought yesterday. These guys are crazily nice (does that even make sense?) and I feel so blessed to have them. Like really.

A reminder to self:
So life is crazy. It's unfair. But why dwell so much in the craziness and unfairness when you have great things to be thankful for? :).

Dumping My Thoughts

This thing I'm going through, I think it has the potential to drive me insane.

I got myself into this, I know. It was because of the novelty of being abroad, the naivety of a fifteen year old girl I was, the ambitiousness I had, the desire of being independent.

Oh I'm not saying that I did not become more independent. And I'm also not saying that being abroad doesn't have any perks to it. I did get a lot of new experiences, and I met great people that I'm sure will be my good friends till years to come.

But I will be honest, that sometimes I have some thoughts that bother me. When stress finds me, I often think whether this, all this, is worth it. Is it really worth it? I wonder if people who had come before me could tell me if it is. The struggle, the 500 mile distance, the pressure, the solitude, the constant need of hardwork, the tears and frustration. Are those really worth it in the end of the four years?

I'm about to find out myself, as the end is near, I know. Maybe it's worth it. Or maybe not. I want to believe that it is, though. I hope it is.

Things I'm Grateful For (Day 6/7/8)

Here goes the list.

A very nice bus driver who stopped for awhile when he heard I've dropped my stuff. He asked whether I was okay, and waited for me to take my stuff and get back to my seat. And he greeted me when I got on and alighted. I think that was the nicest bus driver I've ever met. Ever. Thank you, uncle.

Mum, for reminding me to have the end in mind. She kinda forced me to think about what I want to become in the next five years, and what is my target at the end of this year. And that also makes me think about all the activities I wanna do after this major exam of mine. All the fun, all the freedom. And those thoughts lift up my spirits. Thanks, mum.

My senior, for motivating and encouraging me, and believing that I can do it. Even though you sound like you're teasing me. I know you mean well. Haha.

My teacher, for being so passionate and equally (even more, sometimes) excited about what I'm doing. And for having that faith in me, and telling me that my ideas are workable, however ridiculous they sound sometimes.

My awesome friend who had dinner with me yesterday but forgot to bring her wallet. Thanks for waiting and tolerating my tardiness, and for accompanying me to buy all sorts of funny stuff. I'm so so grateful to have you around.

The good-enough-weather. I really hope I won't need to wear the n95 mask anymore. And I hope SBY really meant it when he said that they're gonna try their best to stop the burning asap. And I hope it rains soon.

Things I'm Grateful For (Day 4/5)

Well, hello again.

So the pollution standard index in this little island has been increasing berry berry horribly for the past few days. I must say that some of the stuff said by Indonesian officials really disappointed me, and I know that they could do much better than this. I shall not specify whose opinion I'm referring to, or what did the person say, as I know a lot of people should know which one is it I'm talking about. I hope that they would notice that this is a big problem too, and something needs to be done ASAP, as this haze affects people's lives.

Anyways, enough sidetracking. Here goes the third list.

Tante Chen-Chen and Om Ady. God bless them. I'm temporarily "migrating" to  their house at the moment (because of the haze, of course). And they are so so so nice, I really don't know how to put it in words. I am such a burden, an extra mouth to feed and all, especially now that they have a four month old baby. But they still welcome me, and in fact, it was them who invited me to come over. I don't know how I'm gonna do without them :').

This one teacher that I didn't like. I really disliked this teacher. I used to btch about her, and we even had a nickname for her. But yesterday, something happened, and it made me changed my mind. I realized that this teacher is actually a very nice, flexible, helpful and caring person. Well, he/she may be irritating at times, but..... nobody's perfect. And I promise that I will remember this kindness the teacher did to me if he/she irritates me in the future haha.

My friends. I'm thankful to have all of them, but I'll do some special mentions.

One of them helped me bring some stuff I forgot to bring from my house all the way here. All the way here!! The fact that he's willing to spare some space in his luggage makes me feel so grateful.

Another one stayed by my side when I was freaking out, and helped me look for a teacher. It was a simple deed: this guy just sat there and listened to me rambling and calling people, and it wasn't even relevant to him. Thank you.

My couzzzzzzzzin. Just because. I really wish this silly person is here. Sigh.

I guess that's it for now. And I hope my productivity rate increases significantly. And I also wish that the next five months past quickly, painlessly and tearlessly. Can't wait for December to come. Hope eeverything goes fine. Crossing fingers.

Things I'm Grateful For (Day 2/3)

Oh well, today's practically "Day 3", but whatever.

So as everyone can see on the online world, the haze has been horrible. People are whining and wheezing and putting the blame on Indonesia. Little did they know that Indonesia is so huge, that most Indonesians are not aware with what's happening. I wasn't. Until I came here and studied physical geog and experienced the haze myself. And for those who have no idea what am I talking about...... Our friend Google is always there, yknow.

Nuff sidetracking. Here goes the second list.

Did I say something about having Libraries? Oh libraries. I love them. (And yeah I realized how nerdy that sounds. Like I care.) To whoever had the idea to build an entire building filled with books, kudos to you, sir/ma'am. So yeah, there's a library only ten minutes away from where I live, and there's the biggest one in the country (National Library) just within 30 minute bus ride. Those two places are like havens for me. The phrase "stuck under the rain" doesn't mean anything when I'm in the library.

The fact that the haze doesn't affect my family. My grandpa has some lung problems, and I'm pretty sure that my mum and my sister would have some respiratory problems too if the haze goes all the way there. So I'm really glad that they're safe back home. 

Milk Tea. Kaya Toast. Pork Rice. McChicken. Cheap food. Enough said.

Okay I can't really think of anything else right now. Hopefully I can list at least five tomorrow.

A New Project: Things I'm Grateful For

So I realized that I have been neglecting my blog. And I also realized that I haven't been exactly a happy girl, especially now that I'm back to the pressure point--the place where I'm far from home.

The fact that I won't be able to go back home till December, and that my coursework deadline and the mother-of-all-exam are coming, only help to dampen my mood and increase my stress level.

That's why I decided to try start a new project: (okay I know my past projects haven't been successful, but I'll try harder now, I promise.) Things I'm Grateful for.

So here goes the list, in no particular order, as I'm typing whatever pops in my mind.

Snacks from home. Indomilk, popmie, tango, nyam nyam, taro etc etc etc. a little taste of home helps me go through my days.

Friends. My mugging buddies. My hostel mates. My juniors and seniors. Their presence makes it easier. They make me smile, with all their quirks and the conversation topics we share. They're like a constant reminder that I'm not alone in this journey I'm on.

My senior's art notes. Without my laptop, I really don't know how I'm going to survive if I don't have these notes with me. You may not read this, but I'm really really really grateful. Really.

The transport system. Buses. Cheap concession fare. Without them I would be stuck in my hot-and-humid-as-sauna room.

My smartphone. Now that I don't have my laptop with me, I can't imagine if my phone stops functioning. (Touch wood)

My parents. The telephone calls, the whatsapp messages, the emails. The constant encouragement and prayers. And for putting up with my moodswings and nonsensical requests. Thank you.

Well, I guess that's it for now.